For Words at a Loss
The Church’s Response to Miscarriage & Stillbirth Needs More Work
by Michael Baum, Andrew & Patricia Kishler
The day after Memorial Day 2009, our family attended a very small funeral at St. Tikhon’s Monastery in the hills of northeastern Pennsylvania. The cemetery setting was lovely, the mourners few. The hand-dug grave was small and the coffin smaller still: a wooden box about six inches long, hand-crafted by a grandfather of the deceased.
We were burying our expected child, brother, and grandchild, who had lived only two months in his mother’s womb. Our hearts wept as the officiating priests read the Orthodox funeral service for infants, including a line that compared our departed child to “a ship that passes and leaves no wake behind.”
Like many such tragedies, the death of little Constantine made us starkly conscious of something we were largely oblivious of before, and it inspired considerable research and inquiry. We know now that death before birth is very common—so common that we can hardly believe how little attention it receives. Statistics on the frequency of miscarriage vary with source and definition, but the best estimates are in excess of 30 percent of all pregnancies.
Some authorities say that it is normal for couples to lose at least one unborn child, and only if it happens repetitively is medical intervention indicated. Yet society at large ignores the pre-born dead, and even our churches are often ill-prepared to deal with them and their bereaved parents, whether liturgically, pastorally, or theologically.
Hiding from Death
That society ignores or dismisses pre-born death is perhaps unsurprising. A nation in which more than a million pre-born infants are deliberately killed every year can hardly be expected to pay much attention to a few million more such deaths that occur naturally. Ignoring pre-born death is consistent with the way secular society routinely removes both birth and death from view—and miscarriage is both at the same time. Sterile language like “product of conception” obscures the reality of more accurate but emotional terms like “baby.” Even the word “miscarriage” can be deceptively clinical, connoting some failed abstract process rather than a real human death.
The majority of those in the medical profession seem to regard pre-born death purely as a condition to be treated, rather than as the loss of a family member. Our bereaved mother, Patricia, received excellent and sympathetic care from her local providers, but little understanding that there was a baby involved. When she brought to their office the tiny amniotic sac and its contents, which she had retrieved after the miscarriage, in case they needed to do any tests, the doctor—a Romanian and presumably born into the Orthodox Church—asked: “What are you going to do with it?” Patricia’s response, “Bury it,” met with a blank stare of incomprehension. Resolution of the immediate medical situation seemed to spell an end to the entire incident, in the view of this medical group.
A much more helpful response came from her Chicago-based family-practice physician, also Orthodox and a great advocate of home childbirth. He gave her much helpful advice over the phone, including: “You have given birth. Rest a lot for the next two weeks. And name the baby.”
Naming the child did help Andrew and Patricia immeasurably in getting through the crisis, and is actually one of this doctor’s recommendations for all pregnant mothers early in their pregnancy, to begin their relationship with the baby as a human being. Indeed, many sources on pregnancy loss, both Christian and secular, recommend naming the child as, at the very least, a way of humanizing the loss and making remembrance easier.
Michael Baum is a management consultant, former English teacher, and writer with degrees in English literature and education from Yale University and an MBA from Northwestern. He and his wife live near Madison, Wisconsin, where they attend St. Ignatius Antiochian Orthodox Church. Their three adult children and five grandchildren attend Orthodox churches in Illinois, Wisconsin, and Indiana.
A Journal of Mere Christianity—Delivered to Your Door
- Essays on theology, culture, and the Church
- Contributors from across the Christian traditions
Six print issues (one year) of Touchstone, plus full online access and PDF downloads for only $39.95.
Get a one-year full-access subscription to the Touchstone online archives for only $19.95.
bulk subscriptions
Order Touchstone subscriptions in bulk and save $10 per sub! Each subscription includes 6 issues of Touchstone plus full online access to touchstonemag.com—including archives, videos, and pdf downloads of recent issues for only $29.95 each! Great for churches or study groups.
Transactions will be processed on a secure server.
more from the online archives
24.4—July/August 2011
The Cultural Marxists’ Strategic Assault on Religion, Life & Family by Patrick F. Fagan
11.5—September/October 1998
Speaking the Truths Only the Imagination May Grasp
An Essay on Myth & 'Real Life' by Stratford Caldecott
32.4—July/August 2019
on Probability, Death & the Existence of God by Graeme Hunter
calling all readers
Please Donate
"There are magazines worth reading but few worth saving . . . Touchstone is just such a magazine."
—Alice von Hildebrand
"Here we do not concede one square millimeter of territory to falsehood, folly, contemporary sentimentality, or fashion. We speak the truth, and let God be our judge. . . . Touchstone is the one committedly Christian conservative journal."
—Anthony Esolen, Touchstone senior editor
