Officials at LaVinc College today reported that its faculty is reeling from a memorandum issued by college trustees that no faculty member may advocate cannibalism as an acceptable Christian lifestyle choice. Dr. Kyrie Fly, head of the faculty senate, claimed in a prepared statement that “this restriction curtails academic freedom, due process, and LaVinc’s tradition of Christian inquiry.” In an unprepared statement she declared, “Who do these bozos think they are, anyway? They’re mostly ministers, I guess. That means, Jack, that they get their marching orders from us, not the other way around.”
“It’s not as though we’ve turned into a bunch of naked savages,” said Harold Gollum, a senior and president of the Lecter Society, a student organization advocating Christian Cannibalism. “We remain fully clothed, victims are carefully chosen from among those for whom quality of life and a certain succulent plumpness are real issues, and the killings are quick and humane. We always pray before the meals, use clean silverware, and make sure the leftovers are distributed to the needy in Detroit, made up into very tasty meat pies (with or without fava beans). It is sad that there are still people around who regard what we’re doing as sinful. There’s nothing in the Bible against it–on the contrary, in fact. As Professor Carney said in his church history class, the early Christians weren’t accused of cannibalism for nothing.”
“There is a growing lack of consensus on this issue,” said Dr. Stanley Schwach, Vice President for Deceiving Contributors. Some view this as a question of whether you’re a true Evangelical. On the other side it’s viewed as a matter of whether you have something more than the brains of a turnip, since the scholarly consensus, long ago reported in the journal Soylent, is that only fundamentalists, Catholics of the medieval variety, people with I.Q.s of less than 70, and twisted, hate-filled bigots, oppose cannibalism on principle.”
“It is getting more and more difficult to claim,” continued Schwach, “in a country that has now elected a cannibal President, that a way of life increasingly accepted among Evangelicals cannot even be the subject of rational discussion in a college that has been identified by Advocate magazine for more than ten years as “one of the best fifty places to send us your children.” It should be clear from Christianity Now’s recent symposium that there is room in the house for more than one opinion here–that a person can be a cannibal and a good Evangelical.”
“Still,” Schwach said, “we deeply honor and respect the opposing opinions of parents, certain freshmen, and old ministers out there, and will do everything we can to represent the state of affairs at LaVinc so they won’t withdraw their support. When they come to visit, we will make sure they hear from our three remaining anti-cannibal faculty members–and believe me, our wonderful President, the Rev. Dr. Oleum VanMendax, has won over many, many doubters, who now count him as a valued personal friend."
The debate over cannibalism at LaVinc began in earnest several years ago when Yummy, a traveling cannibalism advocacy group, visited the campus and gave the prestigious college a minus-one out of ten rating for cannibal-friendliness. “They were very gracious,” said one faculty member, “but insisted on calling us fundamentalists, and kept asking us questions like, ‘where did you purchase your diploma, Doctor Smith?’–laying special emphasis on 'Doctor.' The day after they left, the Lecter Society was founded, with an unprecedented fifty-six volunteer faculty advisors.”
“It’s simply ridiculous to regard a legitimate academic interest in discussing Christian cannibalism as the thin end of the wedge,” said President VanMendax. “The essentials are all perfectly intact and will remain so, since we believe in Jesus, predestination, and really clean sidewalks. We are sadly finding, however, that the churches are not doing their job in evangelizing their youth, since the vast majority of them who come here need to learn about Jesus all over again, and have what one might call a second conversion experience. But hell, that’s what college is all about, isn’t it?”