The Church of Moloch (Reformed)
Christopher Bailey on the Religion of Upward Mobility
If this is your first visit to the Church of Moloch (Reformed), welcome. We hope you’ll find what you’re looking for here: a community of like-minded executives who understand that your career comes first.
Unlike traditional religions, with their disturbing and counterproductive messages of “self-denial” and “compassion,” the Church of Moloch (Reformed) understands your priorities.
Your career means everything to you. And in today’s fast-paced world, you need to stay on top. More than that, you need to advance. At the Church of Moloch (Reformed), we call it the Upward Path: the road that leads ever onward to greater and greater personal achievement. We know as well as you do that there’s never any rest for the true pilgrim. Family and friendships can be temporary comforts along the way, but they must never distract you from your true quest.
We’re here to give you the spiritual support you need on your lifelong journey along the Upward Path.
Some Frequently Asked Questions
Is Moloch your god?
Where does the Church of Moloch (Reformed) come from?
To free themselves to follow their ambitions, they would frequently offer their infant children to Moloch as sacrifices to their own personal growth. The children were humanely incinerated at high temperatures, freeing the people for more constructive activities than changing diapers all day.
Unfortunately, this beautiful ceremony was misunderstood by barbaric neighboring tribes, who valued the transitory delights of their children more than their own personal ambitions. The Hebrew barbarians overwhelmed the enlightened Moloch worshipers, and for a long time the light of civilization was extinguished in Palestine. The ultimate failure of the Hebrews to establish any lasting empire was, however, an ironic vindication of the Canaanites’ advanced belief system.
So do you really sacrifice children to idols?
Young people at the Church of Moloch (Reformed) spend their time learning useful skills instead of wasting it playing childish games. Here’s just a sample of some of the programs we offer for your youngsters:
Depreciation for Beginners (grades 1–3): You can’t learn this lesson too early: “Value” means one thing to you and another thing entirely to the taxman. Monday through Saturday, 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., in the Frick Auditorium.
Charity Begins at Home (grades 4 & 5): Through intensive immersion in old “Amos ’n Andy” routines, children learn to laugh at the amusing antics of downtrodden minority members instead of feeling misplaced “compassion.” This prepares them for the important lesson: True Molochian charity aims at the good of the most important person on earth—yourself. Sunday through Friday, 7 a.m. to midnight, in the Trump Meeting Room.
The Virtue of Competitiveness (all ages): Children form real corporations and take turns downsizing each other. Wednesday through Tuesday, 24 hours, in the DeLorean Fellowship Center.
What is your worship like?
Every worship/seminar begins with the Creed of Self-Affirmation. We open the main part of the worship with a prayer to the spirit of Moloch within us. After that comes the week’s seminar, with illustrations from our beautiful, hand-carved, gilt-inlayed overhead projector. Then there’s a short PowerPoint presentation by our high priest. We close with a prayer that the spirit of Moloch may ever dwell within us, to guide us and preserve us from the distractions of family and friendships that could lead us astray, and that we may always increase in wisdom and power (especially power) as we travel the Upward Path. Then we adjourn for lunch at Hooters.
Sounds like the religion for me. How do I join?
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“The Church of Moloch (Reformed)” first appeared in the June 2001 issue of Touchstone. If you enjoyed this article, you'll find more of the same in every issue. Click here for a printer-friendly version.
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